Derailed

You know, I never considered myself a perfectionist. I make mistakes all the time and I know I'm human. But there is one thing I do want to do perfectly: Full compliance to Optifast, with only one meal of "real food" on Wednesday evenings, consisting of 4 oz. chicken, small salad and small serving of vegetables. I was successful in following this routine when I Optifasted the first time around, and I expect myself to be fully capable of doing this again, on my second time around with the products.

But friends, I have learned my expectations this time were perhaps set too high.

As you know from my last post, yesterday I was in the kitchen cooking up a very elaborate Irish feast. I did not anticipate having any cravings, no temptation to actually eat what I was preparing. When I started cooking, I felt fine. But when the time came to plate everything, all of my self-control went out the window. The damage wasn't initially too bad -- I stuck to a small serving of corned beef and vegetables (no potatoes and no soda bread). But what happened next was, "What the hell -- I've already broken my fast" and into the fridge I went, pulling out the decadent chocolate mousse I made. And I don't have a sweet tooth.

I just wanted to attack everything.

I awoke this morning very, very angry at myself, berating myself for going off the rails. Sure, I'm back up on my horse, back on my products with no problem. But I can no longer be considered that "exemplary" Optifaster, fully compliant and fighting the good fight to get my gained weight back off in a timely fashion.

I know good and well I'm not the only one who has done something like this. I know full compliance to the Optifast program is very, very difficult and most cannot do it. But dammit, I wanted to be in that (supposedly) "elite" group of people that are capable of this feat. I wanted to show you and me that it was possible to be a...Super Woman.

And I'm not.

I weighed this morning and I have not gained anything -- still registering 185 lbs. But that didn't really give me any solace. I'm still deeply disappointed in myself. But I am slowly starting to wonder if I just need to give myself a break here. I mean, Melissa, you are on an extremely rigid and restrictive diet. What in the world were you expecting? Of course cooking all day and creating something fabulous is going to tempt you considerably. Who wouldn't be tempted, be tested in your situation?!

Perhaps yes, I am being too hard on myself. I'm going to the Optifast Support Facebook page to get feedback about my situation, and I've got some dear Optifast friends I'm going to send a message to. I'm being too hard on myself. I need to ease up a little bit. No, I'm not perfect. And for that matter, nobody else is either. Keep reminding yourself of that Melissa. Forgive. And move forward.